Why You Should Ask for Help Even Though It's Scary
Asking others for help is a difficult thing for many of us to do. Why is that?
Much of our culture celebrates self-sufficiency and heroic action, which makes asking for help seem like a weakness. We tell ourselves we should be able to handle something, so we hide the fact that we’re stuck, or can’t do it alone. That’s one of the reasons. Another is that we’re afraid of being told no, which can be painful to one’s ego. It’s a vulnerable thing to ask for help, and vulnerability by definition comes with risk. Yet another reason we often shy away from asking for help is that we’ve burned in the past by those who want to help but only add to the problem. That’s the feeling of “it’s easier if I do it myself.”
Those three reasons – avoiding the appearance of weakness, protecting our ego, and judging others as not capable of helping us – are what hold us back from the help we need to succeed. The bigger question is why should we ask for help?
As I said above, there are many things we simply can’t do ourselves, whether because of the size and complexity of the task, or because it’s a new experience for us. But even if we believe we can do it ourselves, there are benefits to asking for help.
What are the benefits of asking for help?
At a minimum, you’ll get the chance to hear your own words out loud and hear how the other person responds. Even if the other person offers no help, this act alone has the power to deepen your own understanding and even shift your perspective.
Finally, there is the value of connection and relationship building. Regardless of whether the other person helps you, you’ve taken a step further in your relationship with that person. You’ve shared something of yourself and learned something about them in how they respond.
Taken all together, these reasons make an argument that there is almost no downside to asking for help when you truly need it.
How do you ask?
The remaining question on your mind may be how to ask for help. This is a topic that could fill a post on its own, but here are a three key tips:
- Be as specific as possible about what help you need. The clearer you are, the easier it is for the other person to say yes (or no). It also leaves open the ability to modify the request and settle on something different yet still helpful.
- Be open to different types of help. If you’ve been specific to begin with, there will be room to negotiate for what the other person is willing to give.
- Be accepting and grateful for whatever you receive in return. If you receive something helpful, that’s great. If you don’t, consider how you can grow from the experience. It could be an exercise in courage for you, or it could provide more clarity about the relationship involved.
Mike Caracalas
Professional Executive Coach
michael.caracalas@utsouthwestern.edu
About the Author
Before becoming a professional coach with his own Leadership Coaching firm, Mike Caracalas worked for Sun Microsystems and YUM! Brands in training, HR, and leadership development. He holds a B.A. in psychology, M.A. in organizational psychology, CPCC (Certified Professional Co-Active Coach), and PCC (Professional Certified Coach).
